When I started this justfindgini venture, I hoped to create an online presence that would allow me to explore my ‘artist’ self. I wanted to make something that showed the process, the very human process, that goes into the making of my artist and my artwork. I began joyfully; but almost before I began, felt pressured into editing, re-presenting and, well, entertaining…
I hoped technology would come to my aid, but it wasn’t ready. One step forward, two steps back … and the frustration. I looked to a web designer, in vain, we spoke without communication. My site took on a mangled look that lacked any real connection to a recognisable version of me. The joy was fading.
I wanted a site that was responsive; a site that smiled back at you on sunny days or offered a virtual umbrella in a storm. A site that prompted questions and acknowledged the fluidity of the living, growing, developing people we are or strive to be. I wanted a site that allowed my online ‘avatar’ to be someone I recognised and was happy to acknowledge, but also, as an artist, I need to be able to peer into dark places and ask questions without my world imploding. I set up my twitter account hoping to gain some practice and confidence in doing just that, by poking a toe into its turbulent waters. I failed and became a sadder, more cautious person. I failed and became a twitter voyeur, not wanting to gather followers or blindly follow. Not wanting to get caught up in its vitriolic tides, content to occasionally stick my elbow in – to test the heat. Resigned to passively checking out other gentle people who share positive thinking. I am bewildered by the volume of people who fail to practice any form of civilised communication. As an artist, I would like to ask questions, to listen, to give this phenomenon my attention. As a fragile human, I am actually frightened of possible consequences.
And this site…it turns out I need loads of money and loads of technical expertise for it to be any kind of reflection of the artist I strive to be. The dream hasn’t gone away. The joy? It may still be waiting in the wings, if you click, swipe, scroll …